Somewhere Between Then and Now

Here’s something really vulnerable.

I co-sleep with my daughter. She’s just over a year old. That means 365+ nights I’ve gone to bed beside this little human. 365+ nights of holding her, loving her, and cherishing those quiet, tender moments we’ve shared.

And now I’m looking at her… 6 teeth, size 3 diapers, 12-month clothes, and a full head of hair. I’m looking at her and wondering where my little baby went.

She was 6.7 pounds when I brought her home. She wore preemie clothes and was so delicate. I cried the first time I gave her a bath at home because I was so scared of being a new mom. I thought I was going to do everything wrong.

Now she’s a little person—smart, loving, full of personality. She loves her family, the dogs, the cats. I’ve watched her every single day for over a year, and somehow, it’s only just hitting me… she will never be that small again.

And I don’t think I cherished it enough.

I spent so much time wondering what the next stage would look like that I forgot to fully enjoy the one I was in. I miss her—my tiny baby girl. And now she’s not so tiny anymore, and I have another baby growing just as fast.

I’m watching her learn how to be a sister, how to love someone else in a whole new way. And at the same time, I’m watching my son grow so quickly that I can barely keep up.

I feel like as moms, we get lost in the routine—the monotony of motherhood. The endless cycle of what needs done, when it needs done, nap times, diaper changes, reheated coffee, and those rare moments of quiet. We’re there for everything… but somehow, it still feels like we miss so much.

I’m with my babies every single day, but I know I’ll never fully remember what it felt like to hold that one-week-old baby again. I won’t realize until later just how many little moments slipped by—quiet milestones that blended into the routine without me even noticing.

I’ve been a mom since June 2024. I spent 9 months tracking kicks, hiccups, and bathroom trips. I’ve spent almost every single day with my daughter since the day she was born, and still… I wish I could go back just to hold that tiny baby again. To slow down. To stay in those long, sleepy newborn days a little longer.

Now here I am—a mom of two—trying to soak in every moment with my son while he’s still just mine. Because I know one day, he’ll be a year old too… and he’ll be running away from me more than he’s reaching for me.

One day, I’ll have two 8-year-olds who don’t want hugs and kisses because it’s not “cool.” Then teenagers who don’t want to be seen with me. And then one day, they’ll come back.

But right now… I’m everything to them.

And I don’t want to miss this.

I don’t want to get lost in the routine or worry about the dishes or what needs done next. I want to be right here—in bed, with my two sweet babies—while I still can.

Because one day, sooner than I’m ready for, they won’t be this little anymore.

And truthfully… this is the best part 🤍