…and I still spent it buying things for my kids.
All I did was go to Target with my mother-in-law, but it felt huge for me. I’ve been in mom mode since the moment I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, and I rarely allow myself to be away from my kids. It’s scary—and if you know, you know. The postpartum anxieties don’t just disappear. The constant fear that they’re not okay, that my daughter misses me, that something might go wrong and I won’t be there to fix it.
But for a moment… it was peaceful.
No Bluey playing in the background. No little hands pulling on my shirt or pant legs. No one yelling at me because this week we suddenly don’t like blueberries—and there’s one on their plate.
I went out thinking I’d have a day to myself, but I quickly realized… they’re still all I think about.
I found myself only shopping for them. Picking out clothes, toys, things they needed—and feeling guilty even looking at something for myself. I left the house for me, but I couldn’t turn off my “mom brain.”
It’s a strange feeling. As much as I needed that time away, I was so excited to get back home to them. Excited to show them what I got, to see their faces, to be back in the chaos that somehow feels like home.
On the outside, it felt like a normal shopping trip. But inside, I felt like I was on a timer—like at any moment it could go off. I didn’t know when it would happen or what it would sound like, but I felt it the entire time. That quiet fear of getting that call… kids crying in the background, dad asking, “How much longer? When are you coming home? Have you left yet?”
The truth is, stay-at-home moms don’t really get a day off.
Even when my kids aren’t physically with me, they’re still with me—in my thoughts, in every decision, in every aisle I walk down. The mental load doesn’t stop just because you step outside the house.
It’s the constant running list in your head:
“We’re almost out of wipes.”
“We need more formula.”
“She doesn’t like blueberries this week.”
“What am I making for lunch tomorrow?”
“Where did she put the remote?”
“They need more body wash.”
“Do I have diaper cream?”
“Should I size up in diapers?”
It never ends.
Even on my “day off,” I realized—I’m still clocked in.
And don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom more than anything. I love my kids deeply. But they also drive me crazy sometimes, and I need a break too.
It’s hard to remember yourself when your entire life revolves around little humans. It’s hard to separate who you are from being “mom” when that role never really turns off.
But in this season of my life, I want to start finding that again.
I want to spend more time figuring out what I enjoy—what I need—as a person, not just as a mom.
Because as much as I love being their mom… I miss just being Kaili.
Mothers Hearth 